What is Demand Avoidance?
Discovering the unconscious reactionary within that is sabotaging my life
We live in a world of demands. Every phone call demands answering, our utility providers demand payment, the authority figures in our lives demand that we do, or not do, certain things. We make demands of ourselves - that we get up and go out, that we do all the things that we “should” do.
A ‘demand’ is, perhaps, the opposite of a ‘bid’. Where a bid is an offer presented - “I would like to spend time with you, would you like to spend time with me?” - a demand is expected - “You must spend time with me.” - a demand, in its nature, implies a loss of control and autonomy of the demandee.
Of course, the difference between one and the other is in the eye of the beholder. To determine if a request should be interpreted as one or the other depends on a world of context. But inescapably, much of what we deal with in our life are demands.
We get to pick and choose whose demands we acquiesce to, but regardless, the demands all exist and all need to be dealt with, or avoided. It’s possible to avoid a demand, by ignoring it until it goes away, or negotiating one’s way out of it, or letting go of the thing that was associated with the demand. Sometimes this is a healthy thing to do.
It turns out some of us.. are allergic to the feeling of being demanded from. Right deep down in the heart of us is a reactionary mule response that sees the shape of a demand loom and kicks out with “NO!”. Just like in an internal family system, it is trying to protect us from the anxiety of loss of control that escalates rapidly to fight/flight/fawn responses. It’s something that ACT practitioners call ‘Experiential Avoidance’ and I’ve spoken previously about my thoughts on how I might deal with that.
The key insight here is that it is the perception of a demand itself that causes anxiety and avoidance, and that one’s internal expectations also count as demands. It means that:
Common ADHD tools like shared or public accountability.. are extremely aversive to me. I can only make a Ulysses Pact on my terms.
I actively resist accepting help, even from partners, who are bewildered and frustrated by my combination of paralysis and unwillingness to let them take over.
My internal standards for myself, which are high, are ‘demands’ that I choose to avoid.
I need to be in some way in control of the movie that I watch, and of the music that I listen to, or be able to leave if I’m not enjoying it.
I crave praise, but praise might be loaded with expectations of future success… so it can make me uncomfortable.
I choose not to play competitive games seriously, can’t play PvP card games, there’s something about the competition that feels like a demand.
I hate queues, in a way that is beyond the regular ADHD fear of boredom.
I have an immediate, strong response to being told that I “can’t say that word”. No matter how much I rationally agree, being told that I can’t triggers something I’ve never been able to account for.
I love building systems, or refining systems, because then they are “my” systems, built with my consent.
I hate email in particular because it demands management.
I even, absurdly, hate the damn Countdown self-service voice that tells me to take my groceries if I haven’t packed them in a bag quickly enough.
It’s like there’s a two-year-old anarchist inside of me that throws a tantrum at the slightest hint of coercion. Some kind of “don’t tread on me” freak rabidly demanding “freedom”. It’s like there’s a rugged individualist badass loner nestled inside a gregarious, community-craving, people-loving man. It’s ridiculous.
Unfortunately, it’s also fucked. This is no way to live a life. And if the internet is to be believed, Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), is for life. The jury is out on if it is a “valid” diagnosis, if it is part of the Autism spectrum, or what the differential diagnostic criteria might be if we accept that it does exist. But that’s fine with me, I don’t collect labels for their own sake, it simply means that I can now point to a whole cluster of seemingly unrelated behaviours that I don’t think I could adequately explain previously, and I can work on ways to adapt my life to this fucking thing.
The world won’t accommodate me, so I need to, at least, accommodate myself.
One thing that I can see I’m going to have to change is my own internal relationship to myself. The internal me that plays the father figure needs to, like, chill out, man. No, even more than it already has. The world won’t accommodate me, so I need to, at least, accommodate myself. I don’t know what that will look like, and I don’t know how to get there, but I do know that I have to or I’ll continue to sabotage myself and choke my own efforts.
The process of self-discovery continues, and I can assure you that it sucks. The only thing worse would be to never learn, to never grow, to be miserable forever.
Further Reading
Autism UK’s guide for adult PDA
What is Demand Avoidance (PDA Society)
Just a fun little test for adults that means nothing
Sally Cat’s blog about living with it.
An interesting survey about “big traits” of PDA.