More on Demand Avoidance
Turns out some of you have an avoidant reaction to demands, too! So, then, how do we think about it, and what does it imply we should do?
My post about Demand Avoidance seemed to resonate with a few people, so I thought I’d do a follow-up post to work through some of my thoughts on the thing. But first, disclaimers!
Not even a fake doctor, not even a real diagnosis
I’m not a medical professional and even if I were, I couldn’t diagnose anyone with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), because it isn’t a recognised diagnosis. It seems to be considered a kind of autism but whether this is correct or whether it is simply frequently co-morbid with autism or related characteristics like sensory processing disorders is anyone’s guess.
What is the difference between this and other things?
In the same way that impaired Executive Function is commonly associated with ADHD but can be a feature of a bunch of other disorders, Demand Avoidance in general could be a thing beyond PDA. How is it different from ODD, ADHD, Anxiety disorders etc? And how do we differentiate between someone, perhaps reasonably, avoiding demands, and Demand Avoidance?
ADHD
With ADHD, we frequently find ourselves unable to do things because it ceases to be rewarding to us. Many of the things we are expected to do in life are boring and unrewarding, and even the things we enjoy can be drained of their attractiveness by familiarity or mastery, or even by imagining how successful a project will be and accidentally triggering dopamine release too early.
I think the answer is in the question “if you were doing something you enjoyed and someone saw you doing it and said something to imply you should do it more, would that, on its own, cause enough anxiety for you to stop doing it?”
Oppositional Defiance Disorder, Conduct Disorder, and etc
I’m hesitant to speak with confidence here. I’m also acutely aware that these sorts of diagnosis could be seen as “difficult person” labels, used against the inconveniently behaved or resistant, as so many of our medicalised disorders are.
One thing I will observe, though, is that these sorts of terms are only applied when the demand comes from outside the person, rather than from within. There has to be a machine to rage against. With PDA, the call might be coming from inside the house, so to speak - aversion to one’s own internal commands.
Anxiety
Clearly, anxiety and its subsequent avoidant behaviour is at the heart of this idea. Being unable to answer a phone call, or attend social events might look like social anxiety. Being unable to leave the house might look like agoraphobia. But if the common stressor for the behaviour is a perceived demand or expectation itself rather than anxiety about how one is perceived (in the case of the call) or being unable to escape from an unsafe space (in the case of leaving the house), then I would argue that Demand Avoidance is its own thing.
What is the point then?
To me, the term is useful to the extent that it suggests strategies that are more likely to help, or whether a normally useful strategy might fail.
What might not work?
Sweeping in and taking over a task or problem that the person is experiencing is a risky move. It might solve the immediate material issue but at the expense of heightening the anxiety regarding a loss of control.
Hard accountability set ups, such as declaring publicly what one will do, or setting up a forfeit charity payment if one gives into a habit one is trying to quit, seem like they could easily go wrong, even if they are led by the person themselves
What might work?
Ease and pleasure in fantasizing and roleplaying is a consistent trait. Reframing demands into playful roleplay scenarios may be a fruitful technique. Dressing the part, giving oneself comical titles, creating lore and backstory could all be ideas
I hate to say it, but CBT might be useful to help identify when a task has been internally categorised as a “demand” and re-negotiating that categorisation.
Your internal voice might need to become a LOT less demanding than it has been. Those of us whose internal voice reflects strong authority figures in our lives might struggle with this.
This new self-knowledge might help us advocate for ourselves, and set expectations regarding how we need to interact with people. Of course, self-advocacy has pretty strict limits, but still, if we don’t know, we can’t know to ask.
In any case, I’ll be continuing to think about this over the next wee while. I’d love to hear your thoughts on the whole thing.
PS. I’m still planning to leave Substack but my new destination isn’t ready to go. Not that anyone is demanding that I do so 😋